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Published at 12:09pm
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Kanye West:
50 Cent:
50 Cent vs. Kanye West
The matchup…
Two of hip-hop’s biggest names repeat last year’s same-day release stunt. Mr. West won last time with his Graduation, silencing the brusque bravado of Curtis with his visionary production.
And the winner is…
Round two goes to Kanye’s 808s & Heartbreak: He overuses Auto-Tune, but spent as much time in the studio as Fitty did at the gym. Before I Self Destruct, 50? It might be too late.
Chris Cornell:
Scott Welland:
Chris Cornell vs. Scott Weiland
The matchup…
The ex-Soundgardener’s Scream seems to have the edge on his fellow grunge survivor’s Happy in Galoshes, since Cornell has hitsmith Timbaland on board. But don’t count the Stone Temple Pilot out: His underrated 1998 effort, 12 Bar Blues, had a Beatlesque charm.
And the winner is…
Cornell’s gloss suggests a male Amy Winehouse; Weiland tops it with unpretentious alt pop.
Guns N’ Roses vs. Alvin and the Chipmunks
GNR:
Alvin and the Chipmunks:
The matchup…
Americans of a certain generation have fond childhood memories of this bratty, chirpy-voiced cartoon character—but as adults will they embrace Axl Rose’s long-awaited opus, Chinese Democracy? Meanwhile, Alvin and the Chipmunks have a bag of problems that Guns N’ Roses might relate to: Their label, Razor and Tie, informs us that after recording the new Undeniable, the Chipmunks’ tireless leader, Alvin, split from the band.
And the winner is…
Never trust a man with dreadlock hair plugs—A-L-V-I-N beats A-X-L.
Andrea Bocelli:
Sarah Brightman:
Andrea Bocelli vs. Sarah Brightman
The matchup…
It’s tough to handicap the discs our moms will be buying for our aunts. Italian crooner Bocelli sounds palatable in the vintage love songs of Incanto, while reedy English warbler Brightman applies her Phantom menace to Christmas carols on A Winter Symphony.
And the winner is…
It’s close, but Brightman’s new whine is vanquished by Bocelli’s seasoned cheese.
Fall Out Boy:
All-American Rejects:
Fall Out Boy vs. The All-American Rejects
The matchup…
Next to Fall Out Boy, any band seems ineffectual, including fellow TRL successes the All-American Rejects. We’d love to have them beat each other senseless, but Pete Wentz & Co. are too mighty not to emerge victorious with Folie à Deux, which comes out just ahead of AAR’s When the World Comes Down.
And the winner is…
The Rejects shall live up to their name.
Beyonce:
Jay-Z:
Not out yet
Beyoncé vs. Jay-Z
The matchup…
It must be hard coming out of retirement again and again, only to compete with your younger, much better-looking wife. Maybe that’s the real reason Jay pushed the release of The Blueprint 3 to next year: Meanwhile, Beyoncé’s I Am…Sasha Fierce is right on schedule for some serious ass kicking.
And the winner is…
It’s B’Day all over again.
Britney Spears:
Christina Aguliera:
Britney Spears vs. Christina Aguilera
The matchup…
This would be a smackdown if Christina Aguilera had a less boring biography to mine for material. Her “Keeps Getting Better” is nice, but Brit’s husky grunts on “Womanizer” are way more intriguing.
And the winner is…
Lucky for Brit, apparently we like our stars better if we’ve seen them strapped to a gurney.
David Cook:
David Archuleta:
David Cook vs. David Archuleta
The matchup…
Many found soulful piano-pop pretty boy David Archuleta every bit as dreamy as throaty belter David Cook, who bested him on American Idol ’08.
And the winner is…
Both singers’ self-titled debuts revel in shameless histrionics, but we’ll take Archuleta’s puppy-dog poignancy over Cook’s arena-friendly bombast.
