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Published at 12:09pm
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Gay men, for obvious reasons, have fewer options than lesbians do when it comes to having kids. So this weekend, the Center helps wanna-be dads figure out how to go for it, through surrogacy, in its fourth annual seminar “Men Having Babies.” In it, experts offer emotional support, advice and facts, such as the differences between traditional and gestational (involving a carrier and an egg donor) surrogacy.
But first, some inspiration:
Why did you want to be a father?
A desire to give a child everything you can and to teach them things that are going to help them grow.
What’s been a surprise?
How it feels to actually experience her experiencing things for the first time. It’s more magical than I ever thought it would be.
What’s been challenging?
Trying to figure out how to teach her what’s right from wrong the right way.
What’s been surprising?
Parsons: People are able to prepare you for how hard it is, but nobody is ever able to fully convey the other side—the joy, happiness and connection you feel to this other person. It’s just amazing.
What’s been challenging?
Balancing work, career, family, relationship. It’s not just the two of you anymore, which is great and wonderful, but there are times when you miss your partner.
How do you meet other gay dads, and how important is it?
We’ve had to work at it—through the Center, online, friends of friends, surrogacy websites, the Rosie [R Family Vacations] cruise. It’s important because being two dads in a predominantly hetero world is a bit of an adjustment. You wonder, How does this affect your masculinity? How does it affect your sense of self?
What’s been a surprise?
D’Amico: How expensive diapers are! And the sense of feeling like I can never do enough; if I’m sitting on the floor with him eight out of nine hours, I look at that one hour I wasn’t with him.
What’s been a challenging?
Adjusting to the lifestyle change and letting go of that free time you had.
How do you have fun with Lukas?
He enjoys dancing more than anything, but also putting puzzles together and reading. One of our favorite places to go is the water park, with all the fountains, along the West Side Highway.
What’s surprised you?
Ron: Walking around with my guts exposed! You feel so vulnerable all of a sudden—like, God forbid something goes wrong with them, or someone hurts them. It’s a constant.
What’s fun to do as a family?
We love biking, going to Central Park and Riverside Park, Broadway shows, the Museum of Natural History. Plus we’ve been spending a month in [my native] Israel every summer.
How do you find other gay dads?
Through the Play Days with the Center Kids program. Plus I get to meet a lot of people through the group I run at the Center, Planning Biological Parenthood for Men. We’re also members of [LGBT synagogue] CBST, and they have monthly events for kids.
Why did you want to be a dad?
I always knew that there were a couple of things that brought me joy, and one, unequivocally, was children. I thought it would be a tragic thing to do it single, but then something shifted, and I thought, I can do it!
What’s been most surprising?
I knew it would be gratifying, but I never knew how much fun it would be. It’s this experience of being with someone you really love.
How do you meet other gay dads, and is it important?
Usually through online Listservs, through the Deeper Dating: a Date, a Dream and a Diaper events I do at the Center, and through the adoption grapevine. It is important to me, but it’s superimportant to David. In our society, one can not have a dad. But to not have a mom is seen as having a hole in your being. So it’s important to be in circles where there are only dads.
Why did you want to be a father?
I always envisioned myself as a parent, but there was a period of time in my life when I thought it would be impossible, so I had shelved the notion. Then I researched surrogacy and spoke with my sister, who agreed to be the carrier, and everything clicked.
What’s been surprising?
That the world generally expects, when they see a father with his toddler, that there’s a mom lurking around. So a lot of interaction revolves around the belief that you’re the more-helpless-dad parent. I get a lot of advice, a lot of “Oh my goodness! Can I help you with that?” Many times people ask where the mother is. I try to explain it, because I think it’s important to destigmatize it.
“Men Having Babies” is Sun 14 at the Center. See menhavingbabies.com.
Mark
Sat, Jan 03, at 04:59am
I think these stories are inspirational and I wish you all the best of luck! I'm only in my early 20s but I already know that I would love to have a child one day. I think the two previous comments are also very important - this is a new way of living that differs from the traditional "norm" so there's always going to be sectors of society that are unrepresented. Again, the best of luck and a happy New Year!
DadWannaBe
Tue, Dec 30, 08, at 1:41pm
We're doing adoption as the expense of surrogacy makes it only affordable to a very well-off class of people. What's more "surrogacy" is illegal in NY and no one tells you that at these things. We found out from our attorney, so it's a pretty risky option
37yo Dad
Fri, Oct 31, 08, at 5:11pm
I am a single, gay father who became a parent by adopting my son through the foster care system. He came to me when he was 8, he is now 10. I find it interesting that this article chose to leave out men such as myself who chose this path to parenting. Granted it is a much more challenging path but I also believe that there is a level of selflessness in this path which is not reflected in this article.
