MEN ARE FROM MARS Handey imagines misguided endeavors in What I’d Say to the Martians.

Most Americans between the ages of 25 and 40 can quote from memory at least one of Jack Handey’s “Deep Thoughts,” those rambling musings that were a staple of early-’90s Saturday Night Live. It’s curious, then, that most also think Jack Handey doesn’t exist. “I guess it sounds like a fake name,” Handey, 59, explains over the phone from his home in Santa Fe. “People think I was a composite of writers.” The confusion persisted through the publishing of three best-selling “Deep Thoughts” compilations.

But now that the king of wickedly curvy quips is delivering a book of essays, expect his name to be cleared. What I’d Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats (Hyperion) hits stores Tuesday 8 and is as twisted and hilarious as the rest of Handey’s portfolio. He punctures high-stakes situations with doltish first-person characters who, billowed by self-importance, are oblivious to their travails. A cumbersome neighbor eventually drives away the Draculas. An outdoorsman honors a great fly fisherman without realizing it’s a grizzly bear. A lazy man graciously gives his ideas for (absolutely terrible) paintings to struggling artists. And an unimpressed sinner wanders the bowels of Hell—which is a pretty deep place to have thoughts indeed.

You launched this project after publishing a few essays in The New Yorker. What made you pursue this particular medium?
Writers eventually want the hardcover book; you crave that respectability. I may get back to writing “Deep Thoughts” soon, but I prefer the longer format. You can show more insane sides to each character, whereas with “Deep Thoughts,” you start each at go and sprint to the finish. It’s like, in how few words can you make someone laugh without it being just gibberish? Also, the longer pieces get you more respect somehow. Short, crazy statements appeal to the kids.

Why doesn’t anyone believe you exist?
The first joke I ever sold was to Steve Allen. He wrote back and said, “First of all, your name sounds like a product: ‘Get your new Jack Handey! It slices! It dices!’ ” It’s frustrating and funny at the same time to have your name be famous but people think it’s made up. I go to a hotel and the guy at the counter says, “You’ve got the same name as that guy on SNL.” And I go, “I am that guy.” And he goes, “So funny: You have the same name.” People just don’t listen. Maybe I should have put my face on TV and gotten a free martini out of it.

You penned the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer sketches. Are they the roots of the GEICO ads and the ABC sitcom?
I don’t know…people ask me that. Maybe. But mine was a shrewd conniver. Those GEICO guys are earnest and sensitive.

I bet people also ask you to listen to their ideas: like, “Here, you can have this funny joke I thought up!”
People are always trying to write their own “Deep Thoughts.” I guess they think it will be easy. A lot of times I just lay on the floor and throw a football at the ceiling for hours—you don’t just have epiphanies. And the truth is, I throw out nine or ten for each one I keep. Sometimes people even put their own on websites and say I wrote them! Why people would even want their ideas to be claimed as mine…

Have you issued a blanket statement?
Yeah, I say, “Here’s the way to tell: If they’re really funny, I wrote them. And if not, they’re someone else’s.”

What I’d Say to the Martians and Other Veiled Threats is out Tue 8.