Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)

Drew Toal, assistant editor

THEN
When I saw this film in 1992, there was nothing I cared more about than tits. They landed on my List of Important Things somewhere between air and food. Not that I’d ever seen any up close, but I had plans on seeing lots someday. To my 12-year-old self, Elvira was a godsend. It took roughly two minutes of screen time with that busty, gothy MILF for me to run to my room and hide my shame.

NOW
These days, I’m more turned on by the prospect of a decent night’s sleep and a hot meal, so rewatching the movie was nothing more than a trip down the hallowed halls of yesteryear’s spank bank. It’s as horrible as I remember, but the scene in which Elvira and the neighborhood kids renovate her house is still pretty hot. (Where did she get those pants?) Self-abuse will have to wait; I’m tired and need to get to bed.

Residual hotness: 3 out of 6